This post was originally published on Evelyn Lee’s Substack on March 4, 2025.
I am taking a week off work to immerse myself in learning about group dynamics and group psychotherapy at a conference in San Francisco. I wanted to understand how people interact, how unspoken hierarchies emerge, and how inclusion and exclusion take shape. I expected to witness these dynamics in an academic or theoretical way.
Instead, I became part of them.
The workshop was led by Armand Volkas, a drama therapist and child of Holocaust survivors known for his work in reconciliation and collective trauma. He has spent his career bringing together descendants of Holocaust survivors and Nazi Germans, creating spaces for them to confront the weight of inherited history. His work explores how, under the right conditions, anyone can become part of exclusion or oppression, even unintentionally.
The Unspoken Exclusion
A particular participant stood out in class. She expressed her views differently, responded in ways that felt unfamiliar, and struggled to find a partner during dyad exercises. Time and again, she was subtly passed over in favour of others. No one said anything, but the pattern was clear.
In a room full of people learning about group dynamics and acceptance, someone was being left out.
And I was not just watching. I was part of it.
Sitting in a row behind me, she reached out over my shoulder to ask if I was looking for a partner. I had a choice. Instead of engaging, I did not look back at her. I sought out a partner I had met earlier. I saw what was happening, and I still chose comfort.
I still chose to follow the group rather than challenge the unspoken norm. The same exclusionary patterns we analyze in therapy were happening right in front of me, and I actively participated.
I did not think I was consciously following groupthink, but I acted in a way that aligned with the majority. There was a clear preference in the room for engaging with someone else, and I followed that instinct without questioning it. Only after did I realize that, over dinner and discussing with fellow psychotherapists, in my own way, I had reinforced the same exclusion I would normally critique.
The Perpetrator in Us
This made me think of Volkas’ work. He often spoke about the uncomfortable truth that there is a perpetrator in all of us Harm is not just something done to us; it is something we are all capable of. We do not always recognize the ways we perpetuate exclusion, sometimes even in spaces meant for healing.
What happened in that workshop was not an act of cruelty, yet it still caused harm. We were a group focused on inclusion, yet someone was left out. We spoke about being seen and heard, yet we instinctively ignored what made us uncomfortable. I was no exception.
I think about how people talk about inclusion events. The ones who say D&I initiatives are lip service, performative, that they lack real diversity, that they are just privileged people patting themselves on the back.
But those same critics are also drawing lines, deciding which stories are valid and which are not. They reject the mainstream conversation on inclusion, but in doing so, they create their own exclusive space. A new version of the same problem.
It is easy to talk about being seen and heard when it is theoretical. It is a lot harder when the person in front of you disrupts your sense of normalcy. Today, I saw how quickly inclusion turns into exclusion when it stops being convenient.
Beyond the Workshop
This is not just about what happened in a single training session. I see the same patterns everywhere. It happens at diversity and inclusion panels where only certain perspectives are welcomed while others, even if respectfully different, are dismissed. It happens when people claim to seek diverse voices but only uplift those they already agree with. It happens when we avoid uncomfortable conversations in favor of maintaining group harmony.
“Can you stop being so weird?” and at the same time I am told “Be authentic. Embrace who you are!” – a psychotherapist shares
We like to believe we are open-minded and inclusive. Woke. But when faced with a person or an idea that unsettles us, how do we actually respond instinctively?
By speaking this out loud and taking responsibility for my own reaction, I hope to hold myself accountable as well. I want to be more conscious of my actions, to notice when I am making choices that reinforce exclusion rather than challenge it.
Because if there is a perpetrator in all of us, then the real work is in recognising when we are playing that role. Part of the growth and healing comes from each person acknowledging our own capacity for darkness, and having empathy for that part of us.
An Invitation to Reflect
- Have you ever avoided engaging with someone because their presence or behaviour made you uncomfortable?
- Have you ever been part of a group that unintentionally excluded someone? Did you speak up? Why or why not?
- Do you truly welcome diverse perspectives, or only the ones that align with your own values and beliefs?
- What would it take for you to recognize these patterns in real time and disrupt them rather than go along with them?
These questions are not about guilt, they are about awareness. I do not always like my own answers, but I am learning that self-awareness is the first step toward real inclusion. The next time I feel that quiet urge to exclude someone, whether by looking away, disengaging, or staying silent, I hope I will have the courage to choose differently.
And I invite you to do the same.
About the Author
Evelyn Lee
I am a registered music therapist and founder of Prospect Music Therapy, offering individual and group music psychotherapy for stroke survivors, individuals with dementia, and those in community mental health settings. My work focuses on identity reconstruction, psychosocial support, and resilience-building through shared musical experiences, alongside consulting with healthcare institutions to embed music therapy in long-term care. I also explore the mental health impact of concert attendance and advocate for community-driven approaches to music and wellness.
